 
Richard Lederer, author of Anguished English and other popular language books: "If you love language and the unvarnished truth, you'll love Everything You Know About English Is Wrong."
FeatureBook.com: "A good counterpoint to Lynne Truss’s anxiety-inducing Eats, Shoots & Leaves."
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Table of Contents
To give you a taste of what's in Everything You Know About English Is Wrong (a taste? look at the length of this thing! it's jamming it down your throat!), here's the table of contents, revealing its cantankerous but true claims about the language:
The English Delusionary 1
The English Deceptionary 5
Bull: File under “Shit, Bull”: “Bull!” is not necessarily a scatological epithet. 5
History: File under “Story, His or Hers?”: History is not a compound of “his story.” Maybe. 6
Bonfire: The 18th-century wordmaster was not always right. 7
Quicksilver: File under “Silver, Quick (and Hi Ho!)”: Think fast: quicksilver is not speedy. 7
Plantar Wart: Planter’s makes peanuts, and not warts. 9
Honcho: The feminine form of honcho is not honcha, and it’s not honchette, either. 10
Skosh, Tempura: Tempura is not made with lutefisk. 11
A.D./B.C.: In one year and out the other. 12
Female: Female is related to male only by marriage. 13
Outrage: There is no rage in outrage. 14
Three Sheets to the Wind: I was not drunk when I wrote this entry. Well, maybe I was. I can’t remember. 15
Resound: Resound does not sound like it looks like. 16
Pen, Pencil, Penis, Pest, Pester (in Alphabetical Order): None of the above words are related. Although I could be lying. 17
Journeyman: A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single day. 18
Gardenia: The plural of gardenium is not gardenia. 19
Minuscule: There is no mini in minuscule. 20
Throws and Throes: Don’t let the distinction between the two words throe you. 20
Chile/Chili/Chilly: Chile is not chilly, chili is not chilly, and never the twain shall meet. 21
Peanut 23
Curmudgeon: File under “Johnson, Samuel”: I find myself disagreeing with the 18th-century wordmaster with curmudgeonly respect. 24
Teetotaler: File under “Total, T”: Teetotalers do not specifically drink tea. 25
Dialogue: A dialogue does not have seating limits. 26
Triage: The word triage does not have three etymologies. 27
Reredundancy Rerevisited 29
Hoi Polloi: File under “Polloi, Hoi”: There is no English redundancy in the phrase, “the hoi polloi.” 29
Sahara: With apologies to the musicals: Sierra, Sahara—let’s call the whole thing off. 32
Island-Island: No man is an ig. 33
Lukewarm: Luke did not come to the warm side. 34
Good Good Redundancy: Not all redundant phrases are bad. 35
The Grammar Damner 37
Plural’s: You do not use an apostrophe when forming plurals. 37
RBI: File under “Batted In, runs (dammit) runs!”: Though the plural of moose is moose, the plural of RBI is not RBI. 39
We, Myself and I: The plural of first-person I is not We. 41
A or An: You are not a cockney (well, maybe you are, in which case, this book is getting wider distribution than I'd hoped). 42
Cannot: File under “Cannot Can Not”: Cannot is not necessarily one word; or, cannot isnot necessarily one word, and probably shouldnot be. 42
The Broken Are Made to Be Rules 45
E.I.: “I before E except after C” is not necessarily good advice. 45
E.I, Part II (and therefore, I.E.): The “I before E except after C” rule is insufficient. 46
Subject-Verb Agreement: Subjects and verbs, like linguists, don’t necessarily have to agree. 47
Vowel Rules: File under “Two Vowels Walked Into a Bar . . .”: Walkin’ the walk ain’t necessarily talkin’ the talk. 48
Who, Whom, Whoomer, Whoomest: The “he or him” test to determine whether to use “who” or “whom” is not adequate advice. 49
Twixt you and me . . . 50
Conjunctions: You should not not start a sentence with because. 51
Acronymania: Specious Histories & Ignorant Twaddle 54
Shit (blush blush): Our word investigator reports back that shit is not an acronym, to which we respond, “No shit, Sherlock.” 54
Posh: File under “Posh!? Again!? Oh No!”: Oh, definitely yes, once again and ad infinitum, you don’t know the origin of the word posh. 58
Golf: Fore!goodness sake, the word golf was not fore!med as an acronym. 60
Fuck (blush blush): File under “Word, F-”: The gutter word for sexual intercourse is not an acronym. 61
Gorp: File under “Trail Mixup”: Don’t swallow the “etymology” of gorp whole. 63
News: News does not result from a dyslexic compass. 64
Tips: File under “Play Taps for Tips”: Tip is not an acronym. 65
Sic: File under “AA!”: Another member joins Acroholics Anonymous (which can be refigured to read “Acronymics Anoholous”). 66
Notymology, and Other Tales From the Bullshitternet 68
Bullshitternetisms: Welcome to the Internot. 68
Jiffy: A jiffy is not a small jiff. 75
Pumpernickel: We suspect Napoleon had other things to worry about. 77
SOS: SOS does not stand for “Save Our Ship.” 77
Snob: Snobs are not “without nobility.” 78
Scaermlbd Words: “I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!” is not particularly insightful. 79
Eponyms: There’s but nominal truth in eponymy.: Etymology is not the study of insects . . . oh, wait, yes it is. 86
Barbecue: File under “Q, Barba” (or better yet, “Q, Bubba”): The word barbecue is not from France, Texas, or the local pool hall (or, for that matter, from a pool hall in Paris, Texas). 87
Kill: Fishkill, New York, is not a piscine slaughterhouse. 90
Testify: File under “Witness, Bearing False”: Testify does not mean . . . well, you'll see. 90
Honeymoon: Someone was not sober when they made up this etymology. 91
Sirloin: File under “Loin, Sir”: Some false etymologies do not even deserve discussion that’s as long as this very subhead. 93
Fired!, You're: Giving the sack to stupid etymologies. 93
Lies in the 1500s: Like fibs and fabrications, details in etymologies are often distracting. 94
Dangers of Speaking English: The internet is not a reliable source of information (have I mentioned that before?). 96
Can’t We Even Get Our Own Cliches Right? 97
Concision: I did not have time to write a short entry (or, for that matter, a short introduction to this section), so I wrote a long one, instead (and I didn’t say that). 97
Ghoti: Also file this under F: George Bernard Shaw probably did not create the spelling ghoti. 99
Greek to Me, It’s All: Shakespeare did not originate the cliche, “It’s all Greek to me.” 100
Jesus Christ, English speaker: Every politicion in the United States did not say, "If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it's good enough for me." 101
Burns, Robert and Steinbeck, John: The best-phrased words of mice and men gang up on your aft with glee. 103
The Proof Is in the Pudding: No it’s not. 105
Twain, Mark: Mark Twain is not always accurately quoted (then again, who is?). 105
Time, At this point in: Cliches aren’t always totally boring. 106
Donne, and Un-Donne: “No man is an island” is not the cliche it used to be. 107
Churchill, Winston (Part I): File under “Up or Shut Up, Put (Part I)”: Winston Churchill also is not always quoted accurately. 108
Churchill, Winston (Part II): File under “Up or Shut Up, Put (Part II)”: Some people can’t take a joke. 112
British vs. American English: This is the sort of misattribution up with which I shall not put (though that’s an entirely different entry). 113
I Am Aware of the Target I’m Placing on My Back 115
Impact, as Verb: Using impact as a verb is not an abomination. It is a celebration. 115
Hopefully: You should not feel sorry for someone who busts a forehead vein over the word hopefully; he or she is so anal-retentive as to deserve it. 117
Ain’t: Ain’t am not bad English. 118
Its/It’s: It’s gets it’s due. 119
Over-exaggeration: File under “Exaggeration, Playing the Over/Under”: Let’s not overstate the power of overoverstatement. 121
Another: “And a nother thing” is not necessarily bad grammar. 122
Double Negatives: File under “No! No! A thousand times no!”: Double negatives are not no bad English. 122
Eats 1: You can’t have your eats and cake it, too. 124
Teach/Learn 1: File under “Learning, a Little”: Teaching can not be learned, and learning can not be teached (or taught, for that matter). 125
Utilize 1: File under “Utile, the Futile”: Utilize is not a bad word. 125
Mistakes 127
Could 1: File under “Woulda Couda Shoulda”: The Little Engine That Could, coudn’t. 128
The Big Cheese 1: The slang phrase “The big cheese” will not trigger lactose intolerance. 129
Hangnail 1: You don’t have the definition of hangnail nailed. 129
Isle/Island: File under “I'll, Aisle, Isl”—and fisle it, too: Isles are not islands. 131
Blindfold: There are no folds in a blindfold. No blinds, either, but that’s a decorating matter and not word-history matter. 133
Buttonhole 1: File under “I'll Order One Shirt, Hold the Buttons”: There is no hole in buttonhole (to begin with, anyway). 134
Mano a Mano 1: You don’t have to be a male to go mano a mano—in fact, you don’t even have to be human. 134
Replenish 1: File under “Plenish, Re-”: Replenish was originally not a synonym of resupply. 135
Mistletoe 1: Even though there’s no toe in mistletoe, you can nonetheless stub your mistletoe. 136
Crayfish 1: A crayfish is neither etymologically nor biologically a fish. 136
Dord 1: D is not for Ddictionary 138
You Don’t Speak Latin, and Not a Whole Lot of Greek, Either 139
Ending a Sentence With a Preposition 1: File under “Prepositions, With Which to Not End a Sentence With”: We answer the question posed in this section’s introduction. 139
Split Infinitives 1: File under “Here’s a Big Surprise”: Latin has nothing to do with bowling. 140
Split Infinitives, Part II . . . er, Part 2: File under “To Split an Infinitive, Redux . . . er, Revisited” (or “Two Split an Infinitive”): Shakespeare did not write “To be or to not be,” but he could have. 142
Split Infinitives, Part 3: File under “To Gleefully Mock a Killing Bird”: Making fun of the “Never split an infinitive” rule in three separate entries is not above me. 143
Et Cetera: Not all English rules must be broken—unless, of course, they must, etc. 144
Et Cetera, Etc. 1: File under “Settera, Et”: Yul Brenner couldn’t speak Latin. Or Thai, for that matter. 147
Criteria—Is or Are? 1: Kappa Rho Iota Tau Eta Rho Iota Alpha is no longer an exclusive Greek Fraternity 147
Kudos 1: Giving someone a kudo is not bad English—bad Greek, maybe, but not bad English. 148
Debt: File under “B, Spelling”: Debt is undoubtedly subtly misspelled 150
Oh, Stop Being So Cranky, Or I’ll Give You Something to Be Cranky About 152
Cohort: File under “Hort, Co-”: A cohort is not a single person—yet. 152
Decimate, Part I: "In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except decimation.” –almost said by Benjamin Franklin, 1789 154
Decimate, Part II: Your intrepid author can't leave this topic alone. 155
The Sahara Desert, Part II: The quibbling continues. 155
Light/Lite, Night/Nite 1: File under “Lite Bombastic, Tripping the”: Lite is not an abomination. 156
Figurative/Literal 1: File under “Figure 8 (ively)”: “Literally speaking” is not a figure of speech. 157
Data 1: File under “Data and other minutia”: If you can't beat ’em, datum. 159
Y’all: Y’all is not bad English. 161
English Is Not From England, And Other Little Surprises 163
English (The Language): File Under “Biting the Mother Tongue”: English does not come from England. 163
Adjective: An adjective was first an adjective, not a noun. 164
Nonce-Word: A nonce-word is not. 164
Can: File under “Can can’t always”: Can is not a complete verb. 165
Hyphens, as Opposed to Dashes: Shorter is not shorter, and longer is not longer. 166
Oxymoron 1: File under “Moron, Oxy”: Not all oxymorons are nonsensical. 168
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis 1: File under “-osis, Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconi”: “Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is not the longest word in the English language, but is the longest word my poor typesetters have to deal with at this moment. 168
Etymology 1: For future reference, this one is good to know: 170
Thesaurus 1: You say there’s no other word for thesaurus? I say, wrong, incorrect, awry, untrue, false, off-target (informal), inexact, inaccurate, mistaken, counterfactual, specious, ungrounded, spurious, ixnay, not! 170
Linguistic Terminology: Technical language terms are not based on curse words. 172
Comma Faults: The common comma, is prone t,o mis,,use 172
Animal Farm 175
Asinine: What’s the answer to “Got a match?” Hint: “My ass and your donkey” is not a clever response. 175
Pussyfoot: File under “Foot, P-Word”: Pussyfoot is not a bad word. 175
Hogwash: My etymology of hogwash is not . . . oh, you know where I'm leading . . . 176
Oink Oink: George Orwell, E.B. White, and Chuck Jones aside, pigs do not speak English. 177
Swine 1: The Latin name for pig is not sweetswineomine. 178
Coward 1: File under “Herd, Cow and Shep”: There is no cow in coward. 178
Greyhound 1: Greyhounds are not grey. 179
Abecedarianisms 181
Z: The last letter of the alphabet is not Z. 182
Ye: File under “O Ye of Little Faith”: There is no such word as Ye in phrases like “Ye Olde.” 184
U: It’s not always about U. 185
Qoph: File under, “Q, A Barrel Full of”: In English spelling, U does not have to follow Q. 186
Letters: File under “Dotting your T’s and crossing your eyes”: The cliche “Make sure to dot your I’s and cross your T’s” doesn't go nearly far enough. 187
Gray/Grey: File under “Graeying”: When it comes to meaning, gray is not quite gray enough. 187
Et Cetera, Etc., and so on and so forth and blah blah blah.: &c. is not an abomination (well, other than the fact that you could stop using what it stands for in the first place). 188
Vowels, Part 1: File under “Ash to Ashes, Dust to Dust”: A, E, I, O, U and sometimes Y are not the only English vowel letters. 188
Vowels, Part II 1: File under “Play, Vowel”: English vowels are not only A, E, I, O, U and sometimes Y—again. 190
Vowels, Part III: Five vowels, traditionally, maybe six? Nah. Maybe dozens. 191
Vowels, Part IV (and I mean the alphabet letters, not the Roman Numerals): See the preceding “Vowels” subheads, rinse and repeat. 192
Me, Myselfs and I: A is not the first letter of the alphabet. 193
Making Fun, Having Fun 195
Knight: File under “Knights, K-Nasty, Run Away!”: The English do not speak better English than the French. 195
Center/Centre, Theater/Theatre: File under “Centre of the Univrese, The”: Theatre and centre were not always the British spellings. 197
Team: There is no truth to the idea that there is no I in team. 198
Celsius, cool regard for: In a linguistically just world, the alternative to the Fahrenheit Scale is not the Celsius Scale. 198
Song Lyrics: File under “The Book of Love, Whom Wrote, Me Wonders Wonders Wonders”: I can't get no satisfaction neither. 199
Vegetarian: T-Shirts do not always speak the truth. (And this comes as a surprise?) 202
Scrabble: File under “AAAQOWJIFLQWIUZZZJRHA“: Scrabble is not playing fair. 203
Pig-Ass: Pig-ass and pig-wife are not insults (snicker snicker). 204
Grease: Grease is not the word, not the word, not the word. 204
Steinbeck, John: File under “Toby, or Not Toby”: The dog did not eat your homework. 206
Word (negated): English has no words at all. 207
The Few-Chore! (which of course is how we’ll be spelling Future in the Future) 210
Children: File under “Pluralizationses”: In a thousand years, childrenses may not be an inappropriate plural. 210
Hell oh Hell: u r wrong if you think the dangers of internetspeak lie only with such elocutions as lol. 211
Emoticons: File under “Icon, emot-”: I am not the bearer of pleasant punctuational predictions. 213
Teh: We may soon be longing for the return of the obsolete character “thorn” (see page XX). 215
R., U.: The development of internet initial-speak is not exactly a shock. 216
Final Words 218
The Section About “Final Words,” Not so Final Because It’s Part 1: The word word is not the 29th most-used word in the English language. 218
The Section About “Final Words,” Which (We All Hope) Might Truly Be Final Because It’s Part 2: I’m obviously not done yet. 218
Afterword 221
Selected Bibliography 223
An Unbibliographic Bibliography: Ogden Nash did not write this poem. 223
Websites 224
Index of Things You Don’t Know 226
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